Resting and Nesting: Questions for Wholeness

My last post was about my New Year Resolution: a search, a slowing down, a series of daily, humbling moments to allow peace to catch up with me. So this morning, with the APS school system down for the count, the Atlanta roads icey and the city quietly buzzing before hosting for the National Championship game... I made a nest. 

Now... I get it. This is the United States of America and people don't build adult pillow forts on Mondays. Yes, part of me mumbled you should be working and there are million things to do, invoices and emails to send and lectures to prepare and on and on and on as I built my lair of quilts. And yet, I carried on with my tea and my candles and journaling; Norah Jones floating through the apartment and journals spread about. I smiled to myself and thought

I am... resting and nesting.

If the thought of resting and nesting sounds absurd and like... wtf do you do once you sit alone with your covers and pillows and mellow music and... feelings? I get it. And the answer will look different for each of us. Admittedly, I sat down and thought the same questions. What am I doing here? How long do I have to sit here? What is the purpose of this? And then I remembered: peace. Peace is the reason and the answer.

But what is needed to connect to peace?  

How often have you thought to yourself, I just need to be affirmed... that I'm on the right path, that I'm not f*ck!ng this up. Most of us need someone or something to soothe us, a voice that will simply say "it's okay." If I had even a penny for every phone call I've made to my mom or sister in an effort to self-soothe, I'd be self-soothing on a private island complete with personal chefs. But this year I am committed to connecting with peace on my own.

So in my first nest-rest of 2018, what did I do? Honestly, the first thing I did was cry. I never let myself cry for very long, I keep things pretty wrapped up and tell myself that crying won't improve my lot, whatever it is. But today I needed to acknowledge some 2017 hurts and so I cried. When I raised my chin I just started asking myself... now what? who can affirm my heart? what do I need right now?  Below I've shared *a few* of my answers to my own questions...

In 2018, what do I need in order to feel whole?
Patience, forgiveness. Space.
Time to write. Time to stare into my vision board and breathe in belief.
I need to set office hours and stick to them.

Who can I depend on?
This was a scary one. The names I thought would be there didn't get a place when I really thought about their roles in my life and asked myself "does this person truly support and love me?" This was painful but necessary.

I put names on paper of people I haven't spoken to in a long time. Names of people that I just met but have a good feeling about, women I know I could call if I needed them. I put people from my past on paper. And at the end of the list, I realized just how supported I actually am. While I may not see these dependable list of women often; I felt a little less alone writing each name down. I highly recommend this activity.

When I need a change of scenery, what/where can I have on the books to look forward to?
It's the new year and I am feeling grounded in Atlanta but I know that the time will come when I need to bolt. Here, I jotted down outlandish notes of traveling alone (as if travel were free!) as well as closer, national trips to see important friends.

What do I need more of in order to feel energized?
Greens. Plain and simple.

What else do I need more of? 
This was my favorite question because I realized that I can quickly and easily create and obtain more of what I want in 2018... and yes, some of it is frivolous!

I want to go to fancy dinners more frequently.
I love an upscale happy hour with a friend or sibling.
I want to wear my high heels more often. Also, I just want more high heels...
I want romance. 
And I want to sleep in (til like... 9am) some days.

What makes me feel empowered?
Being informed.
My leather jacket.
Giving things away!!!
Leading spin classes.
Helping others blossom and grow into the Essence of who they are meant to be.
My SW booties and OTK boots.
Using creativity to empower others.
Inviting women to try new fitness classes.
Writing a hand written note.

I tell people all day every day: the answers are inside of you. 

I get a pretty big push back on that. Because people are unwilling to be still, to look inside, to engage with what is in the heart. But when you can ask yourself questions that lead you to see just how (more than) "okay" you are, you see. You see how whole you are. Yes, you sit with the disappointments of the past, you let the tears come. But then you go back to your drawing board, you ask yourself the questions you long to know the answers to and if you're sit with yourself long enough, the reoccurring themes that bring you joy arise, you jot them down and feel them deeply. And you realize:

you are whole and you are okay.