Transformation Tuesday

Heads up! Curse words below.


I've never done a "Transformation Tuesday" post but a girlfriend of mine recently chopped off all her beautiful locks because she just needed a change.  As soon as I saw her I was reminded of the external and internal changes I went through post break-up four years ago. That seems to be the way that transformations get spurred, right?  There's loss and then there's a ridiculous range of emotions from relief, to over eating or under eating; there's crying-on-the-floor-into-a-pillow-brokenness and moments later laughing with girlfriends like, why the fuck do we give any one human or situation or scenario enough power to wreck us like this?!  

Each stage serves a purpose but the last scenario is my favorite.  Recognizing who holds the power.  No matter the catalyst for change, it's important to evaluate who has been holding your power.  Is it money? Your significant other? Your job? Your parents?  Your PAST?  It shifts all the time. The beauty in the shifting is that you can re-harness it at any point... even right when you're sobbing into your hands in the shower or devouring a bowl of ice cream. You have the power to turn. that. shit. around.


Any guru in the world will tell you that harnessing your power isn't about thinking you're the shit and calling it a day because you figured out that you're awesome. No. We all sin, fall short, mess up, yadda yadda.  But we all have a powerful spark, too. It's in our unique design. God, Mother Nature, Jesus, Mohammed... somebody or some thing put it there and it when we tap into it,  it's explosive.

I hadn't been my authentic Self in this most serious relationship four years ago because I didn't know my authentic Self.  At the time, I really wanted to be whatever was needed of me to stay in the relationship, even if I was at the bottom of the totem pole for attention and care.  My career path then, was to get into a good nursing school wherever we ended up for my boyfriend's residency, work as a nurse then start a midwifery masters program. This plan involved me being a servant to others, servant to the relationship, doing what needed to be done to keep everyone happy. Doing whatever needed to be done to LOOK GOOD, not rock the boat, not be a financial burden. Maintain stability in all areas. 

And then we broke up.  I moved out.  And I realized I was free.  Free to be whomever I wanted to be without the relationship and having to work so hard to be who I thought I needed to be.  

And the exploration began.

I did things I'd wanted to do for years. I cut all my hair off, put a few more piercings in my ears, slabbed on brighter lipstick and bought high-waisted turquoise jeans. I stopped volunteering and started working out more because truthfully, I wasn't shit for service if I wasn't feeling good about myself (I'm now a group fitness instructor, in addition to personal styling full-time.)  I sold and donated a ton of my clothes.  I decided to only leave the house when I could look at myself and say "hot damn, I look amazing."  If it didn't feel right to wear, eat or spend time on something or with someone, I ditched it. I stopped making commitments to things and people that didn't set my heart on fire. I quit therapy! I actually STOPPED going to my therapist because I was tired of focusing on the negative aspects of myself -- walking around with "you suck" and "this is where you're fucking up" in between my ears --  and opened myself to receiving positive affirmations about myself... even when I was the only one providing said affirmations.


There were so many areas of my life that I was checking off boxes and worrying about what other people thought... and for what?!?! I'd just finished my undergrad degree at Agnes Scott College with BadAss degrees in Women's Studies & French.  I knew I was powerful, I knew I was smart. I'd already learned to love my body and focus on my passions -- working with women.  I knew what I wanted to do to help women.  I just had to own it.  

So you cut your hair off and your life changed? 

Um. Yeah. It did.  The break-up broke me open and allowed me to resurface to become who I really longed to be the whole time: Myself.  Short hair, loud music, potty mouth, bright lipstick n' all. Here I am. 

Learn to listen to yourself.  
What do you want to feel?  What is your heart's desire?  What do you want to accomplish?  Who do you want to be?  Who will surround you when you get to where you're going?  What's wrong with where you are now?  What's RIGHT about where you are now?  Who believes in you most?  Who challenges you the most?  What are you most excited to do each day? If you had zero money concerns, how would you spend your time and who would you spend it with?

It doesn't matter who ditched you, dumped you or fired you.  You are not a victim unless you say you are and allow yourself to be.  Say what you want.  Put it out there.  If you don't know who to tell just yet, just tell yourself.  Daily. Remind yourself of the end goal and if there is no end goal, fuck it!  Take your hands off the handlebars and let the wind rush between your fingers as you soar for a while.