living in discomfort, wander & expectation.

Things are going great, ya'll.  I quite literally have nothing to complain about.  My family is healthy (and hilarious), I am in great shape, I have a closet full of kick-a clothes, my friends are authentic, loving, supportive humans, I am able to support myself  financially (most of the time) and my job is like, how do I put this? A dream. 

PARIS 2010
HAVING the above fortunes has not kept me from succumbing to the the grass is greener on the other side mentality. Did you notice that I didn't list intimate-relational-bliss, gratitude for a sexy boyfriend or thankfulness for the perfect life partner in the above paragraph?  You didn't notice that?  Okay, well there it is.  

We are surrounded by pastures (that seem) greener than our own: young friends who work 9-5 and make $80k+ per year, happily married friends, friends who are constantly globe-trotting and living impactive lives (hell, my own sister is a human rights attorney!), friends who don't worry about health insurance, car insurance, rent raising (because they own their own homes at 25...  how does that even happen?!),  friends who are constantly indulging in spa days or being whisked away by their boyfriends for a surprise weekend getaway just because.  Oops, sorry that was social media eating me alive.  

See? I hear your "grass-is-greener" rackets. 
And I get it.  

Here's the thing:  
I fervently believe that we can all "HAVE IT ALL."  
In fact, I believe that anyone who tells you that you can't have it all is 
a) lying 
b) a fool 
and c) probably not a positive friend or influence on your life.  

There are times in my life when I've thought I had it "all" (my very own pasture was super green) until I took a step back and realized how many FILLERS were sitting inside of my "all."  Ya hear me?  Fillers that gave me the illusion that I had it all.  Fillers that kept things comfortable... but not fully real and NOT fully what I wanted OR what God wanted for me.  Fillers that sat in place of what I really, truly, deeply, madly desire for my life.  Fillers that allowed me to say "I have it all."  

A natural BUSY-BODY, I am keen on (and perhaps prone to) filling up my schedule with "in the meantime" activities and "in the meantime" relationships.  This leaves me with a reasonable, predictable, comfortable life.  And I allow it.  I let the fillers hang out in my life, sometimes I even hunt them down and encourage them into my life(!) because being alone, truly alone...  sucks.  (I also don't like to be bored.)  That aloneness that hurts so deeply is, indeed, the chill that seeps in through the cracks in the walls of the heart.  It's cold and it bites!  It's uncomfortable.  And I hate it.  

I don't want to live a filler-clad, "in the meantime" life... 
not relationally, not physically, not emotionally, not spiritually.

What I want is to live
in GRATITUDE for what is here, now
incredible life events, people, places and opportunities
to come.  
I want to look at my life and say, this the best, this is everything, this is fullness, this is aliveness, this is wholeness and there is nothing I rather have than what I have RIGHT NOW.  The uncomfortable truth behind this is that there will be times of vast emptiness and downright difficult aloneness as I live in expectation of exactly what I want and in wander of exactly how it will all come to fruition.  

Living in wander & expectation rewires the Universe's waves and channels in a way that will bring you more of what you want, more of what you NEED ande more of what will serve you and your world positively.  God knows exactly what your heart desires.  God wants to bless abundantly. 

Note: related topics can be found via Danielle LaPorte and Margaret Feinberg